All these chemicals are playing with my head. The reason the doctor gave for the headache was highly unsatisfactory. I can only wish for the internal seizure to go away right now.

And I've learnt that sometimes, some people really do know you a lot better and some just don't, no matter how close they seem to be on the surface. Fact is, you don't know more than the things that are being spoken. I won't trust you. Ever.

Lying bugs my conscience. But I had to. Among pride, right and uncertainty. If I have to lie to protect a commodity or a belief, I will do so, even at the expense of it haunting me until the truth is exposed.

But you're not ready to know. I'm not ready to admit it either. We don't really want to hear the words circling the air like dizzying lights, do we? For false news travel fast.

This far surpasses material contentment. I'm happy because after two long years, my father's finally convinced that I deserve it. Oh my goodness. GOODBYE LACK OF SPACE FOR MUSIC. Finally, I can once again import my entire music library over to a handheld device. However, it's only getting delivered on Thursday.

The past few days had been of painfully enduring unwilling musical abstinence. Now, if only I knew how to work iTunes out. I still prefer Windows Media Player but I can't find anything which can rival a 120GB iPod as of yet.

The last time I'd actually spoken to all three of them in one conversation, was back in 2007. My my, how time doth fly. We're all so old now, my dear friends. Oh-so-old. I'm next): I miss sitting around talking about crap with you guys. Things are just not the same with others. Simply not the same at all.

My mom said I'm looking as though I'm severely lacking of sleep. Maybe I am. It takes forever to drift off to sleep at night and the softest, most muted vibration of the phone brings me back to the coldness of the night air and I spend another gruelling period of pre-slumber time with my mind buzzing with thoughts, though mostly, these thoughts are fleeting thoughts of insecurity and creating possibilities that could happen in future. But of course, by the next morning, I would have forgotten about all that have gone through my head.

Maybe that's why I keep forgetting to take the iron tablets :/

School's been busy, except for today. Today was a slack-day. GP was probably one of the worst lessons I'd ever had in my life. I could easily rank this after one of my secondary four Literature lessons. Bless your amazing ego. Your lessons always revolve around you. You boast about your amazing academic accolades and the quality of students you have always produced. What's with all the talk but no walk? I'm sick of you patronising us like little children.

So we trudged into Math lecture late. Though I was in an exceptionally foul mood after GP, I managed to pay attention. Towards the end of the lecture, we were suddenly giving each other Malay names. Mostly, Shabira came up with the names while we helped occasionally. It was really funny. Somehow, I ended up being a Nurul Huda (HAHA HUDA(S), IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY READING THIS.) and Victoria Fazizah/Fadilah.

During break, we continued with the names over food. I paused a while to think and said, "Why am I given a Malay name when I don't even have an English name to begin with!?" Mitchell concluded that I looked like a "Xena". This sent the table rumbling in laughter, especially when Mitchell kept repeating it. But honestly, what the hell? Xena?!

Moral Education was rather fun. The school counsellor took over the periods today and made us play two games. The first required self-introduction and most of us used our new Malay names, which amused the counsellor greatly. We broke the game record of 4 seconds and managed to set a new one at 1.6 seconds :D The second game ended really quickly because Nathaniel remembered the "formula" in which led to the speedy finish of the game.

PW was a total drag. I was so happy when school ended. I slept till six because I felt like I was about to drop dead. I hope to clear as much homework as possible tonight so that I can live through the weekends without having to worry about the unfinished homework all the time.

I'm suddenly majorly hyped up about the upcoming Kaiser Chiefs concert. Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait.

This is really ridiculous. My life's becoming more and more of a joke and the questions of "why am I doing this" and "why am I here" are more of obssessive inquisitions rather than a plea to God right now.

Okay, so I can't seem to synchronise songs into the iPod and I absolutely dread using my phone as a music playing device. I guess there's nothing else I can do except but to live on a diet of music. Maybe it'll help clear my ears on the way home in future or something, though I highly doubt so. This really sucks)):

I'm on a t.A.T.u and José González spree. I know it's an odd combination but they sound good right about now. I've completed half an Economics essay question and have another waiting for me. I am so unbelievably lazy, it's not even funny. Actually it could be. I don't know, I'm completely nonsensical right now.

Maybe, just maybe, my values are totally warped. Things that should be pissing me off aren't pissing me off and things that are so horribly trivial set me raging on and on. I should get a hold of myself but before I can change it, I guess it'll be better if I learnt how to shut up anyways, or at least learnt to sound and be less defensive.

Sometimes I really feel like I no longer know what it's like to be out of misery and despair anymore. Happiness is such a distant, fleeting thought. It's not greed, it's not hunger, but it's the sense of familiarity and I have grown so used to the pain. I am so used to feeling so much anguish, I feel lost without it. Does this even make any sense to you?

Unlike most people, I'm mostly on Myspace to look for music instead of "making friends". Today though, I was really tickled to see Diddy in the list of "new friend requests". I mean yeah, it's probably some auto-add shit but it's still funny. D-to-the-I-to-the-D-D-Y.

(10:30 PM) Ψ: dumdumdumdum. how's wuthering heights coming along

(10:31 PM) naty: not happening

(10:31 PM) naty: still stuck at ya

(10:31 PM) Ψ: hahaha. another good reason for not having tried out for YA nor council(:

(10:32 PM) naty: -.-

(10:32 PM) naty: go sing

(10:32 PM) Ψ: nurrrr. i'm shy HAHAHA.

(10:33 PM) naty: whats another word for over-use?

(10:33 PM) naty: pssh you...shy...CHOKE

(10:33 PM) Ψ: exploitttt. haha.

(10:33 PM) Ψ: i'm shy lor please.

(10:33 PM) naty: less severe

(10:33 PM) Ψ: like. have you EVER heard me singing?

(10:34 PM) Ψ: uhm. used excessively! lol.

(10:34 PM) naty: yes

(10:34 PM) naty: cheh

(10:34 PM) naty: kk, fine it shall stay as over used

(10:34 PM) Ψ: hahaha

(10:34 PM) Ψ: you have heard me singing? since when ._.

(10:35 PM) naty: afi

(10:35 PM) Ψ: LOL AFI?

(10:35 PM) Ψ: YOU KNOW ABOUT MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH AFI!

(10:35 PM) Ψ: {GASPSSSSSS}

(10:36 PM) naty: duhh

(10:36 PM) naty: everyone does lorhhhhhh

(10:36 PM) naty: see i had to include the lorhh

(10:36 PM) naty: cuz its so duhh

(10:36 PM) Ψ: noooo! not everyone knows!

(10:36 PM) Ψ: and i talk so little about AFI now hahahahaha

(10:37 PM) Ψ: awwww. this is so heartening hahaha.

(10:37 PM) Ψ: i'm gonna listen to AFI tonight wooohooo.

(10:37 PM) naty: hahahaha (10:37 PM) naty: you do you afi nut

(10:38 PM) naty: in sc every sentence was probably afi

(10:38 PM) Ψ: NOOOO! hahahahahaha

(10:38 PM) naty: no, every 3sentences is afi

(10:38 PM) Ψ: NO! hahahahaha

(10:38 PM) naty: so thats why its a little less

(10:38 PM) naty: *now

(10:39 PM) Ψ: ! haha. just wait. when their new album is released, they'll be in every other sentence i speak!

(10:39 PM) naty: im avoiding you

[/edit]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICKI CHUA(:
I'll get you your multi-coloured hairties when I go to town!

Okay, the past two days have mainly been about drinking vices and class gatherings. Yesterday was a pretty long day, starting with the piano lesson and an entire hour of Debussy. I was so dazed after that, I almost overslept on the bus ride to school.

Choir was amazingly fun actually, because of the guest conductor, Mr Velasco. He's a wonderful person who managed to polish many parts though I felt that these were actually the same few parts that Mr Tay'd been trying to correct but we never really gotten around correcting it. Mr Velasco was really funny though. He had the ability form images in your mind, influencing you to use your imagination to correct your mistakes, to change the way you perceive things and thus eradicating flaws. However, we were rather inconsistent with making the changes.

After choir, I made a spontaneous decision on gatecrashing Jodie's class chalet. It was rather interesting, considering that it was my first time stepping into a chalet (omg yes, noob much). Jodie laughed at my reaction to their stupid ultraviolet ink-stamp. So I totally embarrassed myself right then but yeah, I honestly didn't know!
I shan't go into the details of that but it was really fun, especially watching people getting taupok-ed. Left kind of late and ended up having to share a cab to get home because the trains stopped running): Eeyer. I really don't like cabbing. Cabs have this funny smell which I don't like.

Today though, was 09S29's barbecue. Though people came late and all, it was a pretty nice gathering. They managed to finish about half a bottle of my father's Smirnoff vodka (50% alcohol wtf!) and we had a LOT of leftovers. I'm rather guilty of not having spent much time with them while they abused the bottle because alcohol's really not my thing and Vicki, Li Zhi and I were talking while sitting on the wall.
Evelyn's and Joyce's dogs were a great source of entertainment. Actually, just having Josephine and Joyce around was good enough for entertainment :D Joshua and John were really helpful in preparing the stuff prior to the barbecue and Nathaniel and the Michelles have been extremely gracious in offering to do the cooking and buying of stuff from the nearest supermarket. Mr Ong was really nice to have bought the tubs of Ben & Jerry's ice-creams and to have turned a blind eye to some things that were going on during the barbecue. There are a few scandalous from the game of Truth-and-Dare which I'd unfortunately had not participated in because they'd been drinking.

Right now, my mom's trying to get me to drink. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS? I DON'T FREAKING DRINK. Goodness gracious.

Just because Vicki wanted this up on my blog:
VICTORIA'S GETTING I AM... SASHA FIERCE by BEYONCÉ
Yesterday was a pretty useless day except for choir practice. Choir practice felt kind of odd. There was an odd sense of tension in the air and I couldn't really pinpoint where it came from. According to the conductor, we kept going flat (hurhur). The air-conditioner wasn't cooperating either. It malfunctioned and barely provided any ventilation, let alone cold air.

Li Zhi's been entertaining me on the bus rides home lately. It's nice to be random. He was supposed to watch a movie with me today after lessons but he fell sick. Horrible person. Tsk. Kidding, get well soon(:

Well, I went to watch the movie with Lynn, Marisa and Victoria anyway(: After today, I'll never sit in the middle of Vicki and Marisa when watching chic flicks ever again. They were gushing so much at the end of the movie. Haha. So He's Just Not That Into You was a pretty cool movie, though the examples were so inappropriate for Singaporeans because people are so shy here. Somehow, the entire plot revolved around calling people up and things like that. Though it was intriguing to watch how each human interacted with one another and how they were all interlinked in some way or another. That's how life works, isn't it?

We took Neoprints (omg) because Marisa insisted that we should. It was rather hilarious and Neoprints have this odd thing of making your eyes look bigger than they actually are. So weird. After which, Lynn and I bought the SAJS (yes, not SAJC) pullover at Bibi&Baba right before the movie. Thank goodness for them because the cinema was really cold. Walking into the shop brought back horrendous memories of ill-proportioned SCGS uniforms.
Lynn went off for tuition after the movie while Marisa, Vicki and I walked around Ngee Ann City to look at things. Went on a hair-tie buying spree at Heeren after that and finally proceeded home.

• Chinese oral presentation
• Chinese idiom worksheet
• Chinese comprehension worksheet
• Economics tutorial
• Economics worksheet on price elasticity
• Biology tutorial: Enzymes
• Chemistry tutorial - lost count
• PreUsem interviews
• PreUsem NMA
• PW reflections

Looking at the mountain of things to do, I can't help but to say, "What the hell, how did I end up with all of these?!" Well, there's choir tomorrowwww(: It's been a while since I'd looked forward to CCAs.

And I really don't like this concentrated dose of uncertainty bubbling within me. It's like a subtle venom making me terribly edgy and uncomfortable. I don't even know why I feel it. Somehow, it's like I've created a mess for myself in which I can't save myself from.

Sometimes, an apology and repentance are all we need just to make things a little more bearable. And it would really help if we read less into things and be more focused on the big picture. Then again, it doesn't mean that it would resolve anything.

Just when you thought the font on my blog, like my self-esteem, can't go any smaller, the world slaps you right in your face and makes sure that the very thing you fear manifests in your life.
I think I could have just fallen in love with you.
I quite like the new layout after editing it and all.
Simplicity works its magic manifold.

School was the usual yesterday. We endured one-hour-fifteen-minutes of badly programmed assembly. I couldn't help but to take this picture at the CC. Talk about CONKED-OUT.Marisa and Lynn ate their slices of cake while the class discussed details for the upcoming barbecue. We felt a need to take a picture. And so we did, with my Fujifilm camera.Before heading off for choir camp, I'd gone off to Plaza Singapura with Marisa and Lynn for the fun of it. Victoria abandoned us for Mitchell, Sisca and Ian at Island Creamery, so we ended up as a trio. Marisa loves the toilet as a backdrop. Hence the following pictures.
Choir camp was pretty fun. Games, dirt, water and pictures. Repititive practices of the college hymn and hilarious wordplays.Couldn't do PT because my back's starting to hurt badly again. I can't lunge, I can't run, I can't jump. The ropes at the fitness corners are left for such recreational purposes, such as makeshift swings and things like these. Though I must say, they really do make pretty fun swings.After getting home from camp, was to meet up with Van for Temasek Talentime, where Joshua Kow conveniently forgot that he hadn't gotten tickets for me. We managed to watch it in the end anyways, due to some wonderful suggestions of sneaking in and all. Also, I had my revenge on the heavily-eyelined Kow.In general, I was rather impressed with the whole talentime. Like everyone else, Azid, Shaf, Van and I were completely blown away by the final performance. It was odd however, to see some people that you'd not considered meeting at all. As in, those who you've lost contact with, those who you'd think are never crossing paths in your life ever again.

I'm tired. I'd love an empty Sunday all to myself. But I don't think it's possible.
Did I mention that I hate it when people think they're so goddamned funny and likeable when they're just being plain annoying? Sorry to burst your holy bubble but you sicken me to the core of my living existence.

You should really think twice about the kinds of things you say to me. Stop acting as if you know me well enough to actually decipher all that I'm thinking and feeling.

Suddenly, RMUN comes back into my life at full blast. Well, mostly out of randomness starting with someone thinking that I had short hair and followed by a surge of Facebook wall comments. It's nice to talk to some of them after so long. Once again, I whine about the oddly interlinked social web. Willa Yim made my day today(:

Hello extreme moodswings.
I feel a lot better now after having gone back to SC, even just to collect the O-levels certificate. Though I was really pissed off in school today, after hearing endless and incessant whining. There's a lot of correcting to be done with regards to attitudes. Mine included.

On a random sidenote:
CHERYL SEET AND I ARE NOT RELATED LOLWTF.

The headache's killing me. 1000mg of paracetamol's driving me insane and I feel unbelieveably terrible. It could be because of having less than six hours of sleep and a prick in my conscience.

I miss Sarah Low, Kristabelle, Elizabeth, Yusnellie, Henny, Fun Juin, Vanessa and the list goes on. I haven't seen ANY OF YOU since school started):

So Azidah and Shafwaty met up with me at Macs today after school. Halfway talking about some of their school stuff, we decided to get food, when I discovered that Wei Jia had been sitting behind us all the time! When I disturbed Wei Jia, only then I found out that she was going to meet Tommy, Titus and Rachel Goh to study!

After Shaf and Azid left, I migrated over to their table for a bit when another group of people consisting of two other ex-TNS students walked into Macs.

It felt majorly odd. Overwhelmingly so, though it had been rather amusing.

I'm happy though. It had been a good enough day. Even just to meet up with two out of my circle of friends.
:D:D:D

Fate accounts for the people you meet in your life. For the people who have changed your life as well as for those whose lives you have changed -- however the small or large the change may have been.

Heavy and proud of it?[edit]

We scrape across the surface of superficiality in hope to find bonds that are strong and indestructible. Aren't we asking too much? How do you quantify trust? Years of friendship and togetherness? Do things not fall apart over a trivial matter irregardless of years of what used to be confidence and faith?

In this age of digitalism and globalisation, we all dive headfirst into networking. At the end of it all, how many of those new acquaintances can you actually communicate on a personal level?

The word "friends" is such a misused collective noun.